It was a remarkable experience that only took five minutes. Someone who often becomes angry with me began yelling at me. In the past I would have been hurt by what she said. I may have become angry myself and have often yelled back at her. Or, I’d try to appease her so that she would stop yelling. It never worked. Sometimes I’d be hurt for days or weeks by the interaction. Sometimes brought to tears.
This time it was different. I acknowledged my understanding that how she acts has nothing to do with me. It has everything to do with her. I didn’t believe what she said, or even listen entirely.
For the first time I didn’t engage. It felt like I took a step back and watched her acting out and yelling. It was like watching a movie of a person going ballistic. Eventually she walked away and comforted herself in the corner of the room. I watched objectively, and for the first time felt HER pain. I saw that she was hurting deeply – that she was struggling with demons that had plagued her for some time. I felt for her.
Something I had said had hurt her, and though I had nothing to do with her hurting it was sad. Compassion welled up within me. I wished it could be different and that I was a person who brought her joy and healing. I wondered how many there were who could do that.
There was nothing I could do at the time. Nothing I could say, and it wasn’t my fault. In the future, however, I’ll know how fragile she is. I’ll try to speak with that understanding of her. Not because I want to change her or fix her. Now it’s because I care for and love her. Hopefully the understanding and compassion that I gained – because I knew it was not about me – will help our future communication. I know it has helped me to better understand my self and others.
In my November newsletter I talk more about why I’m working to be more objective. Look for the article next week, entitled, “Sorry, You’re Just Not Worth It.”